TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed through the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have A further area exactly where American Adult men can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide Every person a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must halt using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the venture, replied, "You realize, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a function staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after getting the creating's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not just unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "where by's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting consideration from Intercontinental investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include things like:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where by my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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